I bought a guitar today, it's red and chipped and really old, kind of like Chris Chelios when he wears his home jersey.
So, I got it home and started looking up stuff on the interweb to find out how to play it, and I found a website called "How To Play Guitar for Newbies". While I was rather indignant after being called a 'Newbie' by some website that doesn't even know me, I decided to give it a shot.
So I started reading, and found that there was a good page and a half about "positioning", which gave me many useful tidbits of information, like "This will invariably sound bad", which insulted me. Once again, this website doesn't know me, how dare they make such a broad, sweeping accusation?
So I continued reading, and I now have mastered three chords (impressive, I know). I will now be accepting cash donations to further my studies.